In almost every interview I am confronted with questions about the reasons behind the marital problems. And although there is often an implicit assumption (the part of the questioner) that infidelity can be identified as "A" great cause of separation, I realize a genuine interest in trying to identify the factors behind the marital crises. Curiosity is associated with the need to identify possible preventive measures that protect us all a crisis in marriage (or relationship). This attempt to realize what can be done to prevent the relationship fall from grace usually also manifest itself in the form of questions such as:
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"What signs (of danger) is that couples should watch?"
"What should make a couple seek the help of a marriage therapist?"
"When can you come to the conclusion that there is nothing to do?"
Basically, these questions seek to inquire about the signs that should sound our internal alarm, alerting us to the fact that something may not be going well in the relationship, and because of that, they have to be important decisions. But what determines the urgency of a request for help in marital therapy? When it is no longer reasonable to try to work things the two? What characterizes the time from which there is no clinical intervention the relationship counts down for the break? And what are the signs that the relationship is over and has not the therapy works?
As I have said many times, it is crucial that we are very attentive to the calls of our spouse. Sometimes these appeals arise clearly, unequivocally, assuming the label of a complaint or a necessity. I realize us that the person we choose is to ask us something, it is proposing a change any that will make her feel safer, happier. The choice we make at that time - and ranging from the ability to we turn into the relationship and evaluate if the change is adjusted and feasible, the act of ignoring the complaint or else aggression or contempt for the complaint in question - this choice, I would say, is crucial to the evolution of the relationship. Because? Because the more times we are able to look at our relationship as our priority and we turn into the relationship paying attention to what the other says the more likely the relationship be safe. Of course this is nothing to satisfy all the needs and whims of the spouse. Pass, instead, to show willingness to talk, to listen and negotiate.
The problem becomes more complex when the person you like is not able to present their needs and their complaints assertively, wavering between passivity and aggression. We all know cases of people who choose to say it's okay just to avoid arguments and then "fill", are impatient and adopt behaviors more or less explosive. To some extent it is normal for this to happen, at least in a timely manner. But here too it is important that we are vigilant and that, so serene, we remember that in a relationship you need care, you need to respond to complaints from the other, you need to leave the comfort zone. For those who ignore the complaints of the spouse or choose to minimize its importance runs much risk.
When a member of the couple spends much time to complain or criticize the other, the home environment can become very tense, suffocating, and it is right that at least one of the people feel that "just does not." But the truth is that while there are complaints is likely that there is still binding, that is, that there is love and, therefore, the relationship will oscillating between periods of more or less intense discussions and moments of complicity and affection. It is as the ratio between these two poles is gaining contours of a crisis that something has to be done the same. This is when the complaints of a growing and there is no responsiveness on the other, it is expected that the affection gestures are becoming less frequent and that the union and complicity featuring romantic relationships begin to smudge up. Unfortunately, some people choose to assign the increasing reduction of affection gestures (the touch, the little parties, hugs) to other factors than the complaints that are unfulfilled. Identify work-related stress, fatigue associated with care for children and the routine itself as responsible for a departure to believe it will be temporary.
Unfortunately, when the affection gestures become scarce and discussions gradually give way to the apparent resignation and / or sarcasm, the couple is facing a very serious problem. Because when that which had previously complained begins to give up "claim" also begins to extricate, to close on itself (and possibly look outside the relationship). Hence until this spouse assume that no longer love, no longer worth fighting for, it's just a matter of time.
Thus, the signals that we should be aware relate mainly to the way we deal with calls from the spouse and the frequency of affection gestures. When one says that it has no desire to make an affection to each other, the relationship is officially in crisis.
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